never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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