He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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