if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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