I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
