Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
