I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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