when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
