i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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