i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
