Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
