I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
