She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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