smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
This toilet bowl is my home.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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