The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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