i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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