my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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