Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
