just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
