I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
