It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
