All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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