I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
