i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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