I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have tasted many bathrooms
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
