And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
