I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
