i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
