Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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