I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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