just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize