Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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