I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
