I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
