I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
