Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
