sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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