I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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