Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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