Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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