All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
