Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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