News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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