you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
