i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
