I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize