I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
