I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
