maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
