I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
