I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
