i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize