One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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