so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
