??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
