woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
