I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
