I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
