she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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