It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
