so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
