Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
