Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
