I don't usually arrange sex via text message
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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