I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
