Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize