I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize