I want to have your abortion
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
