Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
