Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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